Relationship Topics

1. Having somebody in our lives must be a want - not a need (not a need to save us from our loneliness, rescue us from our debt, become a father to our children, make us feel worthy or important) Start dating, find a boyfriend, get married because you want to not because you need to. Know that you are great with or without it – once you get to that point you will make somebody a great partner, friend, companion.

2. Set your standards. Be clear with yourself about what you are looking for in a relationship. Make sure you know what is not acceptable.

3. Know there are great guys out there – Don’t be bitter because you’ve been hurt. Being bitter can keep you alone forever. You have your list so believe that you can have what you want.

4. Get out there and be available. Tell your family and friends that you are ready to start dating.

5. Show interest. Make eye contact, give a quick smile. Do this with everybody… you might meet some great friends by being open to meeting people.

6. Start dating – Join dating services, match.com, speed dating, have some fun! You never know what will happen. Practice, practice, practice. Find out what you like, analyze these guys, practice your communication skills and setting boundaries.

7. Honestly check in with yourself. Are you staying true to yourself? Don’t forget to check in with www.womengoingforward.ning.com

8. Go slow. Boundaries!!!!!!! Forget the world win romance and use your head! Keep your life – and that will be easy if you want a relationship for the right reasons. Don’t lose yourself in his life. I’ve seen too many women change to please a man. He likes rock and roll music and suddenly she loves rock and roll. He likes old cars and suddenly she loves old cars. He loves a good steak and suddenly she is no longer a vegetarian. Don’t become what you think he wants you to be, If he’s healthy he wants you to be you. How many women have you heard say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore?” Remember, you should be different, and as long as you stay true to yourself you will be different.

9. Know how to deal with rejection. It’s kind of fun and it kind of sucks. But at least you’re out there giving it a shot! Just realize it can happen, it’s part of the process. We’ve all been rejected, our feelings have been hurt, we second guess ourselves. If he dumps you, he wasn’t right for you, period. What can you learn from the experience? And don’t forget, you’re going to have to do some dumping too. It sucks, but it’s life!

10. Look for perfection for you, not perfection. He doesn’t have to be perfect, just perfect for you.

It happens. We leave one bad relationship only to find ourselves back in another unhealthy familiar pattern of abuse, neglect, cheating, pain and everything other than the love you - hope for, dream about, and deserve. My 10 Due list covers how to stop the revolving door of failed and hurtful relationships and how to find the great love of your life.  

I’ll never forget the pain and loneliness I’ve felt over the years. Crying and screaming while driving down the road, being physically sick, feeling like I’m going crazy, wanting something so bad that I couldn’t have, wanting him to love me, wanting him or somebody to save me from the pain. I stopped believing in true love a long time ago, today I believe in it with all my heart. I believe there is that person for everybody.

I am so thankful that I am a different person today. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. And it feels great.

1.    It takes two to make a relationship work. Ok, congratulations. You are out of an unhappy relationship. Even if he broke up with you, congratulations! We do not want to be with people who do not want to be with us. (Period) and that included abusers, cheaters, non-communicators, absentee boyfriends, users, etc… because if they treat us like that, they are not healthy and don’t care enough about us. They do not care about a relationship with us. So Congratulations, you were lucky enough to get out. Ok, so now you are alone.

2.    Change the way we feel about being alone. Make a list of what you like about being alone. Do you like that you can watch whatever you want on the TV. Set the temperature to how you like it. Make a list about what is great about being with you. Do you laugh at yourself if you trip in public? What is fun about you? What makes you happy about who you are?

I promise one day you will look back at this time of your life and remember it with great fondness. When I look back at some of my hardest most painful times I now see them as the best times of my life, because I was finally making the changes I needed to make, so I could be happy... but the process was painful... growing pains... stretching pains...

It is easy to fall into something because of loneliness for example: a guy calls you late at night, it makes you feel loved, liked, desirable, like you matter. But if we dig deep we can see that - some guy you met at a bar is calling late at night with no respect for your sleep or even asks if he’s calling too late. I mean who is he that you should be thrilled???  Women get stuck. We end up in bad relationships. We wake up one day and realize we’ve lost all our friends, we over eat to medicate the pain, we drink too much to avoid the hurt, spend too much etc. We find ourselves talking about the same problems living the same life year after year. It’s like being emotionally paralyzed. Being too afraid to move or find a better way, not having the tools or support and encouragement to live a better life. No more excuses. We are in this together.

A few things to remember, women are often encouraged to look to men for personal worth, when really we should look inside ourselves. There is a sadness how some women have the mistaken belief that any relationship with a man is better than being alone. Fear of being alone can be so overwhelming that staying emotionally paralyzed in unhealthy relationships feels safer or more comfortable.

So what we are experiencing when we continue to allow unhealthy men in our lives, is basically not liking ourselves; Not feeling ok to be just with ourselves. It is so important that we like ourselves, love ourselves.

Another point is that some of us will hang onto unhealthy friendships with men, past lovers, boyfriends because it is easier than to totally let them go. We can’t have old boyfriends hanging around calling us and expect to meet the great guy who is looking for us. You have to close some doors for other doors to open. Besides how would you feel if you started dating a guy whose ex kept calling him and he talked to her, he kept that door open? Plus, do you think a healthy man would stick around, if you had past heartbreaking men still calling you and having the ability to get under your skin, yet you do nothing to stop it?  

3. While you are alone you have to get honest. Getting through the hard times can be painful and confusing. When we open doors to certain pains, often other memories come flooding in and knowing where to start can be challenging. Not dealing with our issues can resurface in illness and depression or find a way to get us in other ways such as eating disorders or reckless behavior including drugs and alcohol. No matter what the situation, there is a way to total happiness and contentment. You may have to start taking responsibility for your role. Did you really ever love him, or just when you started to lose him? Did you stay too long when he was abusive? Did you stay too long in an unhappy relationship? Did you allow him to suck you dry financially? Did you allow him to have sex with you without the commitment that you wanted? Did you allow him to isolate you from family and friends? Did you settle for somebody you already knew couldn’t hold a job? Did you stay in a loveless relationship too long? Did you settle for somebody who had a wondering eye and you heard was a cheater? Did you pick somebody that others warned you about? Or did you pick at all? …maybe you let him pick you and that is our first mistake.
4. You do the picking, not him. What do you want in a man/ partner? Make a List. Later you’ll have to adjust… what can you live with, what can’t you live without?  Remember your standards forget your expectations. You must have standards! Reminds me of that saying, “If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for everything.” Know what you want and don’t settle for less. You can bend but don’t break.
5. What do you want to be in a relationship? What do you want to be for a man? Do you want to be a trophy wife or an equal partner? Do you want a traditional marriage where he makes the major decisions and makes most of the money? Do you want to be a homemaker or work outside of the home? Do you want to make the money in the family would you like him to be the homemaker and stay home with the kids?
6. Love yourself. When we fall into unhealthy relationships it is because we are afraid to be alone, which equals not feeling comfortable being with ourselves, which equals not liking ourselves. So It is so important to work on your most important relationship of your life, the relationship you have with yourself.
7. What is a healthy relationship? If you don’t know, how can you have one? Often we haven’t learned or have forgotten what healthy relationships look like. Visualize what a healthy relationship is. We all know what a healthy relationship is and is not. Also don’t forget the importance of setting boundaries.
8. Set boundaries in what you say to a new man in your life. Don’t tell him everything about you. it is not his business. Don’t tell him all about your history, your failed relationships, how you were in an abusive relationship. How your parents mistreated you, etc etc etc. again, none of his business. Besides, if he’s healthy that will probably be your last date. If he’s not healthy he will gladly use any info you give him to use it against you later. So communication is important. And while you are getting to know each other go slow, enjoy the process, have your boundaries in place, your standards, and communicate honestly. If he asks about past relationships maybe just say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.”
9. No game playing. I know that boundaries can feel like game playing but it is not! You will never go wrong as long as you want you in your life more than you want a man in your life. In the beginning, stay firm. After 5-6 months, you will start seeing the other person’s little habits, and his true colors. Everybody can be great the first few months Time to make some decisions. Can you live with this guy?

10.   Always listen to his actions, not his words. It is a man’s actions, not his words that need to be honored.